Mister Faded Glory

No doubt you’ve been refreshing Mr. Faded Glory all day at work, clamoring for your snide NBA Draft Coverage.

Where’s my mock draft! you cry.

Well, have no fear. An hour before the actual draft, it’s here. And though the draft has lost luster since the days in which I knew ups-and-downs of every single player, every single team, and treated the NBA as religion rather than a joke. However, the draft still piques my interest. Each year I yearn for the days when I watched the draft, two liter of Dr. Pepper in tow, wondering how Allan Houston and Lindsey Hunter fit in the Piston’s backcourt. Now, I scoff and wonder which idiotic team will fall under the spell of the latest lazy wunderkind, Rudy Gay. All sports teams always forgive talent, even untapped, to their own chagrin.

Unlike its cousin, the NFL Draft, it’s mercifully short. And even though ESPN has pretty much effected the ruin of the NBA, I’m still going to watch. (Though I puked over lunch when I caught a few minutes of some lame Draft Preview special. Stephen A. Smith was doing his usual schtick, screaming and ranting. Quite Frankly, hasn’t the Worldwide Leader learned that no one likes SAS? Cripes, Stephen. Shut the hell up.)

Regardless, here it is. It’s quick, it’s uninformed – yet it’s still effective. Your NBA Draft Mockery:

1. Toronto – Andrea Bargnani, FC, Europe.
Another Darko? Another Dirk? Another Gasol? Another Skititshvililiasre;ljfia;? No one knows, but we can be certain that with a name like Ahn-DRAY-uh, he’s certainly a bitch! (Still petty after all these years…)

2. Chicago – Tyrus Thomas, F, LSU.
They were seduced by Tyson Chandler back in 2001. And seemingly everyone has been seduced by Thomas’ run in LSU’s tourney. Wow, is he raw. Not the right pick for Chicago. They don’t have time to wait for Tyrus to learn a jump shot.

3. Charlotte – Brandon Roy, G, Washington.
Michael Jordan is being unfairly vilified. Yep, I said it. Me, the person who ranks Jordan just above Hitler and just below Creed on my hatred scale. For some reason, every media scribe with a pulse is dragging poor Mike through the muck for his pick five years ago of Kwame Brown at No. 1. Never mind that nine GMs out of ten would have made the same selection. (Never mind, where was this freaking Jordan hatred ten years ago, when we needed it?!) Writers assume Mike clamors for Rudy Gay’s talent, when in fact, I think Roy is the better bet. They could likely trade down to get him, but I’m not going to give MJ too much credit.

4. Portland – LaMarcus Aldridge, C, Texas.
Most are forecasting the selection of Pacific Northwest star Adam Morrison, but the Blazers are seduced by the “length” and “polish” of Aldridge in a draft bereft of big men. They have another pick at No. 7, and can address their scoring need then. (No, I’m not going to get into the flop possibilities of Aldridge, even though he couldn’t handle 6’8” Glen Davis’ defense in the tourney. Yeah, HE’s ready!)

5. Atlanta – Adam Morrison, FG, Gonzaga.
The Hawks are giddy to find Morrison’s scoring potential this low on the board, and snatch him up with glee. However, seconds later they are glum, as they realize they already employ fourteen other swingmen. They do deserve a backhanded compliment: At least they didn’t waste a pick on stiff Shelden Williams.

6. Minnesota – Rudy Gay, F, UConn.
Do you get the feeling Minnesota still thinks they’re only a player or two from the title, and can afford first-round picks with glaring holes in their game and temperament (Rashad McCants??)?

7. Portland – Randy Foye, SG, Villanova.
Portland selects the best player in the draft at No. 7. An immediate starter, and a legit two-guard. The temptation is to think that they want a point guard, with Bas Telfair’s exit to Boston. However, I think they like Jarrett Jack as a starter, and feel that the selection of Foye is warranted. Not a bad plan, in my humble opinion.

8. Houston – Marcus Williams, PG, UConn.
The Rockets may think that a point guard is all they need to get T-Mac and Y-Ming deep into the playoffs. No further comment. Not even going to address the laptop thief stuff. (Although it figures he’s from UConn. Ha!)

9. Golden State – Shelden Williams, C, Duke.
I think of Warrior draft picks, and I don’t think of Jason Richardson or Troy Murphy, I think of Todd Fuller and Adonal Foyle. Next in the line of stiffs is our friend Shelden, who can’t shoot, pass, rebound, or go two seconds without committing a traveling violation. He was taller than everyone in college basketball. He’s not now.

– And this is going live right now, because, apparently, the draft BEGINS at six p.m. How I long for the halcyon TNT days of 6:30… –

[Ed. 6:36 p.m.] OK, no actual picks yet. I forgot ABC/ESPN’s policy of umpteen minutes of hideous pregame with Stu Scott featured prominently. So here’s the rest:

10. Seattle – Rodney Carney, FG, Memphis
JJ Redick’s injured back scares them away from adding him to their forgettable white arsenal of Nick Collison, Bob Swift, and Luke “I Am Your Father” Ridnour. Instead, they take the athletic Carney, who disappeared in the Elite Eight and hasn’t been seen since. For Seattle? Not a bad pick.

11. Orlando – Patrick O’Bryant, C, Bradley.
Everything screams JJ Redick, because the Magic need a shooter. But, realistically, they also need another rebounder, big men are at a premium, and they already have Grant Hill – so the possibility of another oft-injured Dukie scares them off. O’Bryant may be the best center in the draft. He may also be awful, because he dominated Kansas and Pitt in the tourney, and they started ten guys total under 6’7”. Oh, and the immortal and fast Aaron Gray. We’ll see.

12. NOOCH – Cedric Simmons, NC State.
Hmmm. Cedric … Simmons … Cedric … Simmons. No clue who this guy is. I thought he played for DePaul – it turns out that was Bobby and he’s been in the NBA for like six years. Ah, well. He didn’t exactly leave a lasting impression, then. But, regardless, everyone raves about his defensive prowess, which means Byron Scott may well love him.

13. Philly – Hilton Armstrong, C, UConn.
I honestly have no idea. I guess they’re trading Iverson. Who knows, they’re stuck in no-man’s land. I don’t think Hilton is a bad pick, however.

14. Utah – JJ Redick, SG, Duke.
Due to popular Mormon outcry. Won’t “Mr. DUI” be sad to learn of Utah’s teetotaling nature. (Also, who doesn’t see this coming?)

15. NOOCH – Ronnie Brewer, GF, Arkansas.
He’s been described as a “glue guy,” someone who plays “ugly basketball,” and even “a poor man’s Raja Bell.” Listen, we have a label for guys like that – it’s free-agent-signee. It is not “first-round draft selection.”

16. Chicago – Shannon Brown, SG, Michigan State.
Employing the “best player available” strategy, the Bulls select Shannon Brown. And, no, he probably isn’t.

17. Indiana – Rajon Rondo, PG, Kentucky.
For some inexplicable reason he’s rocketing up draft boards, even though he can’t shoot and is a lousy point guard. To the immediate south, an entire state points and laughs diabolically.

18. Washington – Josh Boone, C, UConn.
The green room gasps in horror as Boone’s visage is displayed on the big screen for the first time.

19. Sacramento – Sergio Rodriguez, PG, Spain.
No clue. I let NBADraft.net make this pick for me. I thought he was a golfer.

20. New York – Gerry MacNamara, PG, Syracuse.
The Knicks obviously need another point guard who likes to shoot.

21. Phoenix – Allan Ray, SG, Villanova.
Ray may be the best pure shooter in the draft – and is actually a serviceable two-guard athletically and off the dribble. This may seem a reach according to scouts, but he’d fit nicely into Phoenix’s system.

22. New Jersey — Jordan Farmar, PG, UCLA
I think he should have returned to school. He’s a pretty smooth player, and they could count on some backup minutes from him while Jason Kidd is even on the floor.

23. New Jersey – Maurice Ager, SG, Michigan State.
I’ve always thought Ager was pretty good – and NJ is clearly looking for the best player available here, there’s really no power forwards or big men worth spending the time or effort on at this point in the draft.

24. Memphis – Quincy Douby, SG, Rutgers.
He’s a chucker, but he went to Rutgers, so that’s pretty self-explanatory. The kid can light it. It’s Memphis. Who cares.

25. Cleveland – Kyle Lowry, PG, Villanova.
I don’t get how Lowry is in the first round. Not at all. He’s quick and athletic, but nowhere near close to the player Allan Ray and Randy Foye were at ‘Nova. In fact, didn’t those two do all of the ball-handling? In fact, what did Lowry do at Nova?

26. L.A. Lakers – PJ Tucker, F, Texas.
He probably needed another year. He probably needs more seasoning. Um, I’m not really going anywhere with this. Good for PJ.

27. Phoenix – Kevin Pittsnogle, C, West Va.
In this spot I’ve read mocks with a power forward from England, Joel Freeland, who was born in 1987. I can’t even rationalize that! Number one, how does anyone know anything about him! Number two, he’s from basketball hotbed England. Number three, he’s 6-11 and weighs ten pounds less than me. Anyway, that’s the reasoning for the pick above. Sound, I know.

28. At this point the draft stops, and Mark Cuban inexplicably rushes the podium and scolds the league, whining that the draft is fixed, otherwise he would have taken Randy Foye at this spot.

29. New York – Wow! Really? Huh, for those who thought Isiah had forfeited pretty much the entire draft this season, I guess he proved you wrong, right?! The Knicks select either Curtis Stinson or Will Blalock, two high-powered, undisciplined scoring PGs from Iowa State. Whee!

30. Portland – Dee Brown, PG, Illinois.
I don’t know how lightning-quick Dee fell this far out of favor. Nevertheless, he’s the backup point guard that Portland now covets.